An Open Letter to My Future Sons-In-Law

My daughters are only 8 and 4 but I know you are out there somewhere, lurking and waiting to spirit them away from me – you are my future sons-in-law. You are amazing, obviously, just like my treasured offspring and perhaps maybe more so. Though I am sorry to hear about your lack of hearing, trust me, being deaf is the only way to cope with the two volume (loud and louder) settings of their voices. And while growing up with 20 brothers isn’t necessarily ideal, at least it will prepare you for mealtime with my girls – remember to scrape the food off their shirts and from under the seats since you can assemble a whole new meal from it. And I’m glad that your Uncle owns a pig farm since my babies also appreciate mud and all its uses. And you won’t ever have to worry about waiting around in the future because they’re too busy fussing over a hairstyle, these girls only comb on an annual basis. I’m so super happy that your top job pick is pyro-technician. You’ll need steely reserve to endure the slamming, banging, jumping, running, throwing, galloping, hopping, skipping, screaming, shouting and “singing” that will be the soundtrack of your life. Like I said, you are amazing, just like my daughters. Oh, and should you prove to be not so amazing then you will experience more slamming and banging then you would have ever thought possible.

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